Love till it hurts.  

 
   Those were the words I'd read, spelled out in block letters, hanging on the wall of the Christ in the City missionary house. I’d just arrived with fellow classmates (and shoutout to Fr. Bryce Evans for being our amazing program chaplain!), beginning a week-long mission trip to befriend the homeless in Denver. 
 
  I had asked the Lord what He wanted me to learn from that week, and felt a twinge of uneasiness when I saw this “writing on the wall.” So I did what I do best, pretending I didn’t see it. 
 
But less than 24 hours later, I found those words to be self- prophetic.  
 
    The Lord ripped away a bandage that revealed  still-festering wounds, exposing my deepest fears and insecurities. Immediately I went from feeling hopeful and excited, to utterly isolated, hopeless, and empty. That was the final straw, especially after an already-difficult month struggling with my past and an uncertain future. 
 
    I wanted to go home. But this was my home for the week, and there were people who had no home, carrying crosses far heavier than mine. 

   In hindsight, stepping out to be with them in their suffering—even in my own pain-- proved to be much more profound and authentic than I expected.  

The Pain of Love 

     
   The full quote of those prophetic words comes from Mother Teresa:  
 

“I have found the ultimate paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” 

    The pain of willing another's good proves our human limitations. On a physical level, it proves a material poverty: financial, health, etc. On an emotional and spiritual level, it proves the lack of an interior good...which I personally believe can ultimately be traced to a lack of love. Perhaps that love was not given by those who were supposed to give it to us, or perhaps that place has been occupied by things other than Love Himself: God.  

        When we truly love others, the experience hurts, and it can vary in degrees depending on the significance of the relationship. It was certainly a struggle to get up every morning of that week, and walk the streets meeting strangers, when I wanted nothing more than to leave. 

  Yet when I shifted my main focus to these people on the street, I received unexpected blessings. I saw the beauty of their dignity, even in the midst of  their brokenness. And, perhaps even if just a little bit, my presence could have been a comfort. 

     That, to me, is a gift worth the struggle that precedes it. They deserved every bit of consolation available. What I would give to make them feel seen, known, and loved, even though I didn’t experience that myself at the time. 

    That's what encountering the poor can do to you.
 

The Cross 

     For the next several months after that trip, I struggled even more with letting go of my false sense of security, and allowing the Lord to break down walls meant to shut certain people out. These were acts of love for God and for neighbor, but because of past experiences, it was incredibly difficult to change my mindsets. 

   My  own interior poverty had come to light. And it has only been recently that I finally feel the excruciating pain fading away into pure love, as my heart increased the capacity for it. 
    
     Don't run away from the pain, friends. It hurts because facing the darkness in others, and ultimately our own hearts, is frightening. But it doesn't have to be anymore. 

   Jesus is the perfect example of loving till it hurt. From His lowly birth in a stable, to His death on the cross, He entered into the depths of all poverty: material, emotional, and spiritual. He faced, head on, that which we would rather not acknowledge within ourselves. It is only by His grace that we can do all things...including loving till it hurts.
     
     
     

 Hazel Jordan is an Office & Communications Assistant at Our Lady of Lourdes. She is currently pursuing a Master's in Theology at the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity. A recent graduate of the University of St. Thomas, she continues to be active in the faith community there, leading and developing a street ministry program that forms students to encounter the homeless in the Twin Cities. Among other things, she is a self-taught artist and musician, proudly acquiring graphic design and guitar/songwriting skills!