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I keep remembering him from last year, the man named Jim*, whom my team and I met outside the library. The way he was yearning for human connection. The unspoken longing in his heart to be loved. The obvious hurt that he experienced, expressed in his self-condemning words: “I’m an alcoholic. But I’m not a pity pot. This is what I deserve.”
As Christians, we should naturally be moved with compassion when we see our brothers and sisters on the street who suffer not only from material poverty, but the poverty of shame and self-hatred. If we have truly encountered the Lord, then we yearn to speak the truth to them that there is abundant grace awaiting their “yes.”
However, are we treating ourselves with the same compassion that we would our friends on the street?Whenever we make a mistake or fall into sin--or even when someone hurts us--we can end up hating ourselves and dwelling in unnecessary shame. We will find the idea of forgiving ourselves almost unthinkable. I can say this from personal experience; the absolute disaster in which I suddenly found myself was not even my fault, but I blamed myself for it. If only I wasn’t like this, then this wouldn’t have happened...God is punishing me...I completely regret the waste of these last two years…How could I ever do anything right in this situation anymore? How could I be so stupid as to not see this coming?
I asked, “Why do You look at me like that?”
If only we could see the way our Heavenly Father looks at us at this moment. A Father longing to hold us in our hurt--regardless of what we think of ourselves. His Love does not change for us.
Remember how we look at the poor suffering on the streets. If we are compassionate, then it does not matter so much to us how they ended up there, as much as how we can alleviate their pain and remind them of their dignity as human beings.
Can we not see that this is how God desires to care for us in our shame? Will we not give Him the chance to shower His mercy upon us?
Whatever harm has befallen us, He has already taken it upon Himself and His Passion and Death on the cross. So by that very reason, He has already willingly identified Himself with all that you could be ashamed of.
During the communion hymn on Palm Sunday, I was on the verge of tears, so utterly disappointed in myself and full of despair. But in my mind’s eye I saw His face, and He was gently smiling at me, as if He was not scandalized by my own shame.He didn’t answer, but just continued to look at me with tenderness.
If this is how the Lord gazes on us at our worst, why do we have to continue to hate ourselves for things that wouldn’t even be in our control? And even if we’re at fault for some of these situations, can’t we remember that His mercies are new every morning?Treat yourself as you treat the poor on the streets, because you are poor as well. And that’s okay.
*name changed
Hazel Jordan is an Office & Communications Assistant at Our Lady of Lourdes. She is currently pursuing a Master's in Theology at the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity. A recent graduate of the University of St. Thomas, she continues to be active in the faith community there, leading and developing a street ministry program that forms students to encounter the homeless in the Twin Cities. Among other things, she is a self-taught artist and musician, proudly acquiring graphic design and guitar/songwriting skills!